My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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