youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
