Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
