yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
