she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
