Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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