You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
