i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Panties = found
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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