the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
