She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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