i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
