Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
