you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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