she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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