we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
