So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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