The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
