Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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