Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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