grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
