made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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