you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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