u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
