i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
