Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize