her vagine was all disorganized.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
