'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
