drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
