Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
