No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
