I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
