Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
