Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My life is pants optional.
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