I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
