some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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