i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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