Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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