Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize