I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I want to fling myself into the sun
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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