i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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