I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
