In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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