I accidentally burped into my bong.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
