Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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