If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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