My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize