tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She announced her abortion via fbk
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
