My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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