Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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