____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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