I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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