I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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