Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
