Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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