I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
