This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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