i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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